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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29184981">The Weight of the Words He Never Said</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/sufferingtrash/pseuds/sufferingtrash'>sufferingtrash</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Supernatural</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Cannon Divergent, Castiel/Dean Winchester - Freeform, Castiel/Dean Winchester First Kiss, Dead John Winchester, Dead Mary Winchester, Dean Winchester Talks About Feelings, Episode: s13e04 The Big Empty, Happy Ending, Love Confessions, M/M, Post-Episode: s13e04 The Big Empty, Post-Season/Series 12, Season 13 Castiel and Dean Winchester Reunion, Season/Series 13, Slow Build Castiel/Dean Winchester, The Empty (Supernatural), Therapy, dean can’t process feelings, season 13 episode 4, shape shifter</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 13:42:15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>6,706</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29184981</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/sufferingtrash/pseuds/sufferingtrash</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean is grieving after the season 12 finale. Castiel is stuck in the empty. The grief counseling shifter helps him process his feelings. There will probably be a happy reunion with a love confession.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Castiel/Dean Winchester</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>20</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Well here it goes. I’ve never actually written anything like this before, so please don’t be too mean. However constructive criticisms are absolutely welcomed! I hope you enjoy my pain infused ramblings lol. Also the next chapter will be longer I just wanted to try it first.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Cas was gone.<br/>
Dean pushed his foot to the floor, making the impala go at as fast as it could until all he could hear was the roaring of the engine and a faint hint of the Van Halen he put on in the background. The colors of his surroundings begin to blur and his thoughts start to fade into the background. Sam thinks he’s out getting groceries, and is probably asleep by this hour of night anyway. The second Dean stops moving the thoughts come back with a vengeance. Thoughts of Cas and Kelly and Crowley and mom, and Cas’s eyes lighting up as he got stabbed, and his lifeless body as Dean carried him inside, and the flames that engulfed him, and the way they got so damn close but he couldn’t save him. Dean can’t think about that right now, not when Sammy still is relaying on him to have hope. So he decides screw it, I’m gonna go get some air and here he is. He can sleep when he’s dead right? </p><p>Dean swallows the lump in his throat and turns around to head back to the bunker. His hands grip the steering wheel with a death force as he tries to force thoughts of jack out of his mind. It absolutely astounds him that Sam is deciding to take in the antichrist, the literal spawn of satan, and try to train and mold him. The smart thing to do would be to put a bullet in his head or angel blade in his heart or find something else that would kill him. When has letting the enemy live ever worked out well for them? Crowley let Lucifer live, thinking that he might one day be useful, and look at how that worked out for him. Not once in the history of the winchesters has trusting a villain ever not caused them pain later on. No more foolishly waiting for the innocent to be proven guilty, Jack has got to go. </p><p>and besides... </p><p>Cas had trusted Jack, and he had ended up stabbed in the back with an angel blade. The lump in his throat returns and he has to swallow deep and blink rapidly in order to keep from devolving completely. He pulls into the bunker, unlocks the door, and heads straight for the whiskey. Being careful not to make too much noise he carries it down the hall to his room, his hands start to shake when he passes the room that he knows Jack is sitting in awake. He knows at some fundamental level that he’s blaming Jack for something he had no control over, but that doesn’t help when he goes to call Cas and he has to force himself to put his phone back down. Whether it’s Jack’s fault or not, that doesn’t change the fact that Cas is gone and he isn’t coming back. </p><p>He sits down and tries for the millionth time to pray to Cas, steeling his shaking hands by desperately clutching his knees<br/>
“Hey buddy. I don’t know where angels go when they die. I don’t know if you can hear me, you probably can’t. But please, I’m going insane over here. I need you. I don’t know if I can keep going without you... please. I need just one more miracle Cas. Come back. After all we’ve been through I think I deserve that” </p><p>Squeezing his eyes shut to stop the inflow of tears threatening to spill over, he at once feels the drop in his stomach as the reality of everything that’s happened sets in around him. Mom. Crowley. Cas. They’re gone, and they aren’t coming back. He had just started to make peace with Mary, and Cas... he can’t finish that thought. </p><p>Leaping to his feet, he hurls the unfinished bottle down. Shards of glass spray everywhere and liquid splashes back at him, getting on his bed. In desperation he punches the wall, but the bunker ended up just getting his knuckles bloody instead. Promising himself he’ll clean it up in the morning he walks down the hall to get another bottle and sits on his bed to drink until he’s comatose.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Nothing Good Ever Stays</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Dean angsts over Cas being gone and talks to the shifter therapist from early season 13.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hey guys! So I worked on this a lot today instead of doing my schoolwork so I hope you enjoy! Be ready for a ton of angst lol. Again, this is my first ever work so please don't be too mean, but I would LOVE some constructive criticism!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The next couple of days start to blur together. Sam goes for runs and cooks kale and tries to talk to Dean. Dean drinks and watches westerns and avoids Sam and Jack. As they fall into this destructive pattern a layer of fog begins to surround his thoughts. A few days later, after he started to run out of movies to rewatch and he feels like he’s about to burst, he stays up late to find a case he thinks Sam will agree to. He tells himself that this will be good, he needs to get his mind off of things, even though the idea of being stuck in a car with Jack right now makes him want to hurl another bottle of whiskey at the wall. He is hoping desperately that Sam will want to stay behind and help Jack, even though the idea of being alone right now makes him have to take another swig of whiskey.</p>
<p>Of course he says ok when Sammy asks to bring Jack along. Of course he does. Because really, what else is there to say? Sam’s the only one he has left and he isn’t about to start pushing him away now. If Sam got angry or Jack attacked him when Dean wasn’t around to help… the pencil in his hand snaps with the thought.  He bitterly resolves to do his best to make Jack as miserable as he is if he’s going to insist on coming.</p>
<p>It isn’t that he can’t see Sam’s exasperation and pleading looks. It isn’t that he can’t see Jack’s puppy dog eyes and desperate effort to impress him. He feels bile rise in his throat and his fists tighten when Sam says that he’s starting to sound like dad after he yells at Jack. It’s just that every time he decides he pushed the line, every time he thinks that order might have been too harsh, some little nagging voice in the back of his head keeps yelling that it’s Jack’s fault that Cas is gone and goddamnit someone deserves to suffer.</p>
<p>Somewhere, in the part of his mind he never lets see the light of day, he knows that the visceral reaction he’s having to Cas’s death is fundamentally different than Sam’s. Even as he sees Sam block out Cas to focus on saving mom he knows at some fundamental level that he is accepting Mary being gone far too easily. The reality of the situation was, he blamed her for every miserable bit of his screwed up life. If she hadn’t gone and made that deal then maybe he wouldn’t have had to live the way he did. He knows that isn’t fair, that if he holds everyone to that standard he too would be responsible for pain and suffering galore. But try as he might, in his secret heart of hearts he can’t help but feel a little bit relieved that Mary did what she did. At the very least it proves to him that she did care about them because seeing the brainwashed version of her threaten his life has forever broken that image of the perfect mother he clung to throughout his darkest days.  </p>
<p>But Cas…</p>
<p>The knot in his chest tightened and he had to bite his lip to keep from screaming. That stupid angel, his best friend, the only one he could count on… He absolutely couldn’t stay mad at him anymore, try as he might. Over the years he had tried so damn hard to keep from needing him, as he had disappointed them relentlessly. He tells himself that it’s just that Cas was his first real friend. He tells himself it’s just that Cas is the first non-blood-related person to stay in his life other than Sam and dad and he’s handsome so his lonely brain would convince itself something else was there. He makes excuse after excuse after excuse.</p>
<p>It isn’t that the thought had never crossed his mind. Hell, he had been appreciating Cas’s holy tax accountant vessel since the day they met. But the world had been ending, and then the war in heaven, and then Cas had died, and then in Purgatory he had thought maybe… maybe something might have happened. But as soon as they got back the problems just started right back up and didn’t stop. And besides. He Isn’t gay. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>He tells himself he left that behind when he was 16 and John had found him in a motel closet with a boy from school. John hadn’t said anything to Dean for weeks and Dean had almost managed to delude himself into thinking that he was in the clear. But two weeks later on Dean’s birthday, John had burst in with a gaping smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes. Dean remembers the absolute sinking in his stomach as he learned what the case was. That case was one of the hardest of his entire life, being forced to kill those lesbian nuns. Since then he forced it not to cross his mind, sealing up anything potentially gay and locking it deep in the fuck nope box he sealed with police tape and never went near.</p>
<p>He reads the word catharsis and he has to fight back a laugh because the idea of closure, of finding happiness after someone you love dies, that’s just a joke or a childish fantasy. Death doesn’t work to your schedule, adhere to your timeline of goals, emotional development, or desires. It snakes behind you when you least expect it, abruptly and indiscriminately robbing you of the very thing that makes life worth living in the first place. The idea of catharsis is one he regards about as highly as he regards any other type of therapy, a cash grab from greedy people who prey on those who didn’t have the compartmentalization strength he did.  </p>
<p>She asks if he journals and he sneers because the vice around his heart and the lump in his throat won’t go away if he writes about it. It won’t change the fact that he’s utterly and completely alone.</p>
<p>She asks him if he thinks “this shrink stuff” is a load of crap and he can’t say anything because of Sam and Jack sitting next to him but he can tell that she reads him immediately. Sam dares to say that he’s the one not processing his grief well. He tries to feel anger, to feel sadness, to feel something, but instead, he feels faintly annoyed and just flatly denies it. They fight for a few more minutes until Sam storms off in the other direction.</p>
<p>Abruptly the therapist cuts him off yelling “Dean.” He stops talking immediately, though more out of shock than anything else. Having none of it, she proclaims “Can I talk to you in the other room please”</p>
<p>Now he resists the urge to bark out a laugh. Sam and Cas are looking at him expectantly so he sighs and rolls his eyes and follows the therapist out of the room and down a hall. </p>
<p>“You lost someone else didn’t you” </p>
<p>Dean’s hands curl into fists and he squeezes his eyes shut as he forces his lips into a firm pressed line. <br/>“Look princess I don’t know who the hell you think you are...” <br/> She looks at him with pain in her eyes and says softly “Dean” and suddenly the fight drains out of him and he feels the weight of all the hours of missed sleep all at once. He sits dejectedly down on the nearby sofa, leans his head back, shuts his eyes, and sighs. ‘’Alright. Shoot. I’ll bite” <br/>“Let me see a picture of the one you’ve lost”<br/>He chokes down a laugh again, saying “I don’t see how that could possibly...”<br/>‘’Let. me. see.”<br/>And what the hell, he’s tired and this isn’t a monster and it doesn’t matter so he rolls his eyes and pulls up a photo on his phone, one he took the day that he had made Cas watch Tombstone. Cas had been bundled in blankets and was wearing pajamas, and he was smiling absentmindedly as he nestled on a comfy chair in the bunker. Something about the photo made his heart rate rise and his chest constrict, and he looked away. She tells him to sit and wait, going over to the plastic beverage cooler in the corner and giving him a dixie cup of cold water. She leaves and he tries to protest, but something in the look she gives him makes him sit down again. She leaves the room and he just lays down on the couch and shuts his eyes. He feels his eyes shutting when suddenly he hears Cas’s gruff voice.</p>
<p>“Dean”</p>
<p>No. No way. He leaps to his feet at once with his eyes flying open. He lets go of the cup and water sprays the floor as his hands shoot to his mouth. He can feel tears springing to his eyes but he's far too distracted to care, to blink them back in panic. He feels his Heart drop out of his chest because suddenly Cas is standing there, looking for all the world like he never left. A soft smile graces his face and the hint of tears start to fall from his eyes.</p>
<p>A broken “Cas” passes his lips and suddenly he's running and throwing his arms around him, no thought to how on earth this could be possible. Cas hugs back and he’s solid and real and there and suddenly there is nothing that could have stopped the tears and the pure unadulterated joy. At that moment you could have told him Lucifer came back and was planning apocalypse part three and he wouldn’t have cared.</p>
<p>“How are you here man ?” he cries desperately.</p>
<p>Cas looked at him inquisitively, doing that head tilt that he always does and a rush of joy swarms Dean so powerfully the room starts to spin and he almost has to sit back down. He was ready to confess everything he had kept locked up in the fucknope mind warehouse in one fell swoop.<br/>Cas guides him to sit back down, saying  ‘’It’s not important. Listen to me Dean” </p>
<p>And Dean shuts up immediately because of course he does. </p>
<p>“It isn’t Jack’s fault I died. Treating him poorly, taking your anger out on him? I can see that you’re hurting, but that isn’t what I wanted. Honor my sacrifice, help Jack.” </p>
<p>And now the initial wave of euphoria is starting to wear off and questions are starting to swirl in his mind but goddammit he’s right and Dean needs to apologize to him. He opens his mouth to say something, anything, when Sam bursts in yelling “She’s a shapeshifter!” and suddenly the knot sinks right back into his chest.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. The Empty</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Castiel wakes up in the Empty and struggles to get free.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi guys! I hope you enjoy this chapter! As always, constructive criticism is appreciated.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Castiel woke up with a start, panic filling his limbs. Everything around him was dark, hard, and cold. Dead. At Lucifer’s hand no less. Once again he had failed to do the one thing he had wanted to do, protect the Winchesters. It doesn’t matter how much he gave for them, they most likely didn't make it. Although it's so dark he can barely see, he has to force his eyes shut and clasp his hands together. He takes a few deep, shuddering breaths and tries to focus on the feeling in his hands. If he tries, he can almost pretend he and Dean were back alone in the bunker, with Sam off on a case. Dean had forced him to watch The Shining and Castiel hadn’t been happy during the most suspenseful, frightening scenes. While he had been hiding his eyes under the blanket and resting his hand on one of the armrests, he had looked down to see Dean lacing his fingers through Cas’s. At that moment Castiel, for whom every feeling was a new and confusing situation, thought he might burst. His heart ached and all he could think was that he didn’t regret a single thing he did for Dean if they all had led him there.  Cas had been too afraid to look, too afraid even to say anything. He had thought that any sudden movements might shatter the moment. Dean had never said a word about it afterward so Castiel wasn’t entirely sure it hadn’t been a dream, but it was still a memory that he revisited often. Reluctantly he forces his eyes open. </p><p>“Hello ?” he cries desperately, searching for something in the abyss.<br/>Castiel can feel a presence around him, driving the fear to become crippling. He calls out a few more times before suddenly coming face to face with himself. Fear begins to turn to confusion as he wonders what on earth could be going on.<br/>“What are you?” He asks pensively.<br/>“I’m just your friendly neighborhood cosmic entity” replies the mystery being in an accent that has Castiel even more on edge.<br/>The entity tells Cas that he looks like him so that Cas will be able to safely view him. Every single instinct that Cas has is telling him that he needs to be afraid, but the only thought he can process is “this is how I get back to Dean’’.<br/>The Empty talks for a few more seconds, explaining who and what he is. Peripherally, Cas is aware that the empty mentioned every angel that ever died was there. He knows he should want to bring them back, and curses himself that that isn’t a priority. He unfortunately is only able to formulate something along the lines of DeanDeanDean. Cas isn’t stupid. He’s been on earth for a while now and he knows he looks at Dean the way he’s only supposed to look at girls. The way Dean only looks at girls. However, not only does he not think Dean is interested, every single time he has seen a human and an Angel fall in love it has ended poorly, most often for the human. He doesn’t want that for Dean, doesn’t think he would be able to keep going if one day Dean were to be taken back to hell and he was unable to help him because he had fallen completely. It had been bad enough when Dean had been stuck in that prison, praying to him nightly, and Cas hadn’t been able to help him. Cas isn’t sure he could take another failure.</p><p>The empty asks him then why he’s awake and hope springs out of the crippling fear. He is instantly positive that the Winchesters got away and are fighting tooth and nail to get him out right now. It is clear to him that that thought shouldn’t delight him, shouldn’t make him feel so incredibly elated that he can’t focus on what the empty is saying. Castiel can’t find it in him to care, heart singing with cries of Dean’s alive and Dean cares about me. The spelling of G-O-D snaps him right back to where he is, and suddenly the fear starts to set in again. The urgency to get back is strong, but this entity before him is on par with GOD. He isn’t sure what happened to wake him up, but it was most likely the Winchesters or Dean. He doesn’t want to bring this wrath on them when all he ever wanted was for them to be safe. He must handle this situation with the utmost care. </p><p>Disbelief is clear on his face, and the Empty starts to read his mind. Cas can feel it rushing through his increasingly human thoughts and feelings, the way he used to do to the Winchesters often before he learned it was a betrayal of trust. One difference is clear, and it's that the empty is slowly frying his mind from the inside out. Screaming in pain and falling to the ground, Castiel is as panicked as he has ever been.<br/>
“What did… What did you do to me?” He asks tentatively.<br/>
“I—I read your mind, such as it is.” Replies the empty condescendingly.<br/>
Castiel has to curl his hands into fists and take deep breaths to keep from crying or screaming.“What do you want?”<br/>
“What do I want? I want you to shut up. I want—hmm. Having you awake, it’s like a gnat flew right up here and it’s trapped and it’s buzzing.”<br/>
He can’t believe his luck, the empty may just send him back of his own volition.<br/>
They exchange a few more lines of the witty report before Castiel asks it to send him back.<br/>
The Empty sneers at him with utter disdain in his eyes.<br/>
“Besides, you don’t want to go back.’’<br/>
A wave of indignation flares up on Castiel, and he tells the empty that Sam and Dean need him.<br/>
The empty smiles mockingly, “Oh, save it. I have tiptoed through all your little tulips. Your memories, your little feelings, yes. I know what you hate. (Whispers) I know who you love… what you fear.<br/>
No. No way. Castiel had hidden his feelings for Dean so deep that he didn’t think any supernatural being would have been able to sense them. He often fears being revealed	by a fellow angel, has nightmares of Dean kicking him out like he had when Cas had been human out of disgust for his feelings. He needs to hide it, because otherwise...<br/>
“There is nothing for you back there. No. Here. Let me show you.”<br/>
Suddenly the Empty is reading his mind, and it hurts. He sees every failure, every disappointment, every ounce of pain he ever caused Dean. Shame floods through him because he knows at that moment that he needs Dean. On some fundamental level, he will never stop trying to keep him safe, even if it ends in pain. Urgency fills his body and now he wants to get back more than ever before if only to set things right. He can’t stay here, not with Dean still out there potentially dead or hurt. </p><p>“Come on, Castiel! Wouldn’t you rather be a fond memory than a constant, festering disappointment?” The empty says with disdain. Castiel feels his heart clench. He can’t think about that. He has to get back, has to set things right. </p><p>“Just let’s lay down. Let’s just try and sleep. Hmm? Think about it. Infinite peace, yes? No regrets. No pain. Kiddo, save yourself.’’ And Castiel feels tired and ashamed and angry, sure. He momentarily feels tempted to just go right back to sleep, feels the empty’s pull tugging at his consciousness. But there’s something else there suddenly and that’s pure drive. The kind one only gets when they believe in a cause fully and without reserve. The kind one gets when they will lay down their life without hesitation because they lack some fundamental regard for their safety. </p><p>He musters the last of his strength, saying “I’m already saved.”You can prance and you can preen and you can scream and yell and remind me of my failings but somehow, I’m awake. And I will stay awake and I will keep you awake until we both go insane. I will fight you. Fight you and fight you for…ever. For eternity. The empty continues to punch and kick him but he is so filled with faith in this cause, the desire to get back to and confess to Dean his feelings, that he doesn’t even care. </p><p>The empty protests but he doesn’t waver, spitting “Release me. Release… me.” from his mouth like a curse.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Dean finally talks about his issues</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Dean opens up to the shifter-therapist finally.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Deans’ gun is raised in an instant and he’s cursing himself for believing for one goddamn second that he caught a break. He had gotten naive, thinking that the eviscerating pain he had felt would be anything other than a constant for the rest of his life. The shifter claims, of course, that she’s innocent, but the illusion is already shattered. Dean hears her say that she attempts to help her patients by enabling them to speak to the person they love one last time, and suddenly he knows that he needs to talk to her as Cas needs it to keep going and keep fighting.</p><p>The empty pleads with the desperately, saying she had an alibi for the night of Wes’s murder. Dean is cursing himself for letting his guard down but suddenly he cannot help but hope, hope that for once he could catch a small bit of respite. He checks the alibi and was pleased to see that it checked out, even though he couldn’t show that to Sammy or Jack. His facade had already begun to crack, and any more he was sure that they would begin to see the absolute degradation of everything he had built up to protect himself. Sam decides to go chase after the suspect, Jack is off doing who-knows-what, and Dean is alone with Mia. He decides to jump on his chance and asks her to come to the other room. Fear is evident on her face but she follows him to the other room. </p><p>Suddenly he is once again staring at Cas. They stare at each other for a few moments when Dean lets go of his last shred of dignity. He holds on to the allusion that he's talking to his best friend, the one he knows cares about his issues. </p><p>“My whole life, I've had to be strong for Sammy.” He starts tentatively. “ But recently we were in a … large fight to say the least. We lost Cas, which you know. But our mother did die, we weren't making that up either. We also lost our friend. And hey this whole therapy thing might be horseshit but… I can’t keep going on like this. I can see their pity, and the one thing I can’t be is weak. I gotta get this shrink stuff figured out, for him. ”</p><p>Tears start to well up in his eyes and he scoffs ‘“Look at me, crying like a twelve-year-old girl… Well you know us hunters don’t have a long life expectancy. We keep fighting because we believe in the cause. Hell, me and Sammy,  We’ve had the hits coming since we were born. But recently it’s like no matter what I do I'm drowning in threats and the fights are way above my pay grade. So many people I care about, people I never got to love the way I wanted to love, they’re just gone and there is nothing I can do about it. I’ve lost people before, but I just don’t think I can come back from this one.”  </p><p>“First I want to congratulate you on taking this step. It shows huge growth that you would be willing to talk to me, and that shows that somewhere deep down you want to get better.”</p><p>Dean rolls his eyes and waves his hand dismissively, saying “yeah yeah, get to the healing already”</p><p>Mia looked at him pensively for a moment. “Dean, why do you think you are having such a different reaction to the death of Cas than Sam is? I’ll admit I don’t know many of the details but it almost seems like you’re not only more upset about Cas than your mother, it is to a degree that Sam is surprised. </p><p>Dean’s mouth falls open in surprise, certainly this wasn’t the way he was expecting this conversation to go.</p><p>“Well… Me and Cas have always had a more profound bond… he pulled me out of hell… and to be honest, neither of us got to know mom all that well... Hey wait a minute, what does that have to do with anything?” He asks, knitting his eyebrows together. </p><p>Cas… no Mia tilts his head and Dean swears he can feel his heart shatter. What he wouldn’t give for that to be the real Cas staring back at him.</p><p>“Dean, you forget that I can read your angels' memories, although many of his thoughts are hidden from me. The first time he saw your soul his fate was sealed. I can see Castiel giving armies for you. I can see him choosing to rebel against heaven, to fall for you. He would follow you anywhere without a thought, throw away his safety for yours without hesitation. You're it for him. This runs deeper than any friendship I've ever seen. I think for you to accept Castiel being gone, you need to accept what he meant to you in the first place.</p><p>Dean feels ringing in his ears and the tears are flowing freely now. His heart is beating uncontrollably and he feels woozy and feverish.</p><p>No. Absolutely not. </p><p>Castiel had feelings for him and...</p><p>He was in love with Castiel. </p><p>The realization was both earth-shattering, and still somehow the most obvious thing he had ever thought. Somehow everything had always been leading here, to this epiphany. </p><p>And then it hits him again. Cas is gone. No god to bring him back this time. No more second chances, no more do-overs, he just has to accept that he had his chance and lost it forever. </p><p>The weight of this slammed into him and suddenly he had to sit down. Sobs wracked through his body and he felt the urge to vomit. </p><p>He had been bit, punched, stabbed, kicked, thrown across rooms, hell he had had his organs ripped out by hell hounds, and yet somehow this was the worst pain he had ever felt. </p><p>Cas … no Mia tentatively hugged him and he clung back with the full force his exhausted body could muster. The sleep loss was suddenly pressingly evident to him, and he had to hold onto Cas/Mia to keep from falling over. </p><p>Suddenly Jack walks in and Dean stabilizes himself and wipes his tears immediately.  He walks over to him when abruptly Jack picks up a fire iron and swings it across his head. He loses consciousness, with the last thing he remembers being Cas yelling.</p>
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<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Happy Endings</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Dean has some angst but he is able to confess his love to Cas! It's how I wish the end of 13x05 and beginning of 13x06 had gone, but there is a lot of cannon compliance.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi guys! Sorry this took awhile, real life is kicking my butt. Hoping to get into my dream college I got deferred from! As always constructive criticism or any comments would be amazing.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Dean can feel Sam handling him with kid gloves. He can feel the pity coming off of him in waves, with Sam getting increasingly more worried each time Dean doesn’t take the beer or jump at the fake name he usually preferred. He doesn’t care. Let Sam be extra nice to him for a few days, it doesn’t change the fact that Dean had FINALLY figured out that he was in love with Cas and he had missed his chance forever. </p><p>Working this case feels empty, hollow. It’s like the fire that used to drive him to feel so powerfully, to have his chest tighten up at the prospect of saving lives, has been dulled to the point that he can’t remember it. The old Dean, the one that still had something to fight for, is trapped inside a glass box banging on the doors and begging him to still have hope. Outwardly his body robotically is going through the motions, doing the things he is sure Sam expects, but inwardly he is collapsing in on himself, sliding deeper and deeper into his own mind.</p><p>Dean burned so brightly, saving so many lives, stopping the apocalypse. Somewhere deep inside himself he can admit that what he did mattered. But he can’t  find it within himself to care. From the time he was thrust headlong into this crazy world of monsters and demons  he never dreamed, never dared hope that one day he would be able to find someone who could handle the life. For the longest time Dean didn’t believe in anything except his own abilities, and Cas changed that for him. Over the time he had known Cas, he had allowed himself to naively think that he would always be around. Cas’s constant presence had lulled him into a false sense of security, he had been there for so long Dean began to believe he would always be there. Stupidly he began to need him, deluding himself into thinking that he deserved to feel happy. Once again, that had been ripped away from him. He sees no future anymore. </p><p>In a few years he and Sam will die. Probably bloody, probably on a hunt. He and Sam will be remembered by the hunters, sure. But in a few years everyone won’t be able to remember what was true and what was false. They will fade into ghost stories. And in time, those will fade too. People will move on. That thought rings in his head like a bell, and he can feel himself spiraling deeper and deeper.</p><p>Emptiness a crushing weight, he decides to go to that strip club that Sam recommended. He feels like his body is moving without input from his brain, and for a few moments he is able to feel nothing, absolutely numb. </p><p>He can feel Sam’s concern getting increasingly more and more heightened. When the opportunity strikes he jumps at the opportunity to die for a few hours, because he needs it. Somewhere deep inside of him he is hoping that he doesn’t come back, that it's finally over for good. Talking to Billie almost confirms his suspicions, no matter his choices his death has been prewritten anyway, so why even bother, why even try. However something inside of him blooms at the notion that he was able to free those ghosts, and maybe just maybe something good could have come from his pain. </p><p>The absolute last thing that Dean wants to do is talk to Sam. He feels, above everything that had been numbed back, annoyed. After everything that's happened he deserves to no longer have to constantly be worried about Sam. He should be able to process his emotional trauma freely without being worried about what Sam feels or what Sam needs. He knows that’s not fair, that Sam wants to help. But he can’t help it. </p><p>Sam prods at him, and he feels something snap. Suddenly he needs to share, maybe not the full story, no he’s not ready to THINK about his love for Cas, let alone talk about it. But he needs to say something, anything. </p><p>Dean looks at Sam heartbroken and says “No. Sam, I’m not okay. I’m pretty far from okay. You know, my whole life, I always believed that what we do was important. No matter what the cost, no matter who we lost, whether it was Dad or – or Bobby or –. And I would take the hit. But I kept on fighting because I believed that we were making the world a better place. And now Mom and Cas… And I – I don’t know. I don’t know.” <br/>And Sam, with the wisdom of someone who has seen far too much trauma for a thousand lifetimes, says “ So now you don’t believe anymore.”<br/>“I just need a win. I just need a damn win.”</p><p>They get in the car wordlessly, with the wait of their failure dampening any possible words that could be said. Dean drives, and the silence is palpable. There is so much that needs to be said, but neither of them had the heart to say it. Suddenly the sounds of Dean’s phone slices through the tension like a knife, and Dean answers it hopelessly. </p><p>It’s Castiel’s voice. </p><p>“Dean. Dean! I- I woke up in a field. I’m at a payphone in Clayton Kansas. I’ll explain to you later but can you please come pick me up?” </p><p>“Yes, Yes of course!” Dean yelped.</p><p>Dean’s throat was closing up and his ears began to ring. He opened his mouth to explain to Sam what was going on but nothing came out. Wordlessly he hands the phone over to Sam. Something in him knew immediately that this was it, this was the real Cas. Tears threatened to spill out of his eyes. He can vaguely hear Sam dumbfoundedly  talking to Cas in the background but he heard ringing in his ears that drowned out their conversation.</p><p>He doesn’t remember driving to the town Cas was in, waking up from his haze only once they see a phonebooth with a trenchcoated man in front of it. They pull up in front of it and Dean cannot breathe, he cannot think. The step out of the car and Dean just stares at Cas in shock. </p><p>“Cas… CAS what the hell man? What happened to you? We saw you die!”</p><p>Cas begins to explain what happened but Dean can't process a single word of it, his mind ringing with a thousand things he needs to say.</p><p>“I love you” The words spilled out of Dean’s mouth before he could even process what was happening. </p><p>Cas tilted his head and lowered his eyebrows inquisitively. “Thank you Dean. That really means a lot. I missed you two so much-”</p><p>Dean is suddenly feeling the weight lifting off his shoulders in droves, and tears are flowing freely now. A dry chuckle forces its way from his throat.  </p><p>“No… you idiot.”</p><p>He glances at Sam, who is staring at him dumbfounded.</p><p>“Look uh…” and suddenly he is hesitant, but something visceral inside him tells him he needs to do this, to finally accept what he feels. </p><p>“I was wondering… why it was so much harder to see you die then anyone else we’ve lost. Man, I was broken, absolutely wrecked. I was ready to throw in the towel and just end it all on a milk run hunt. You were gone, and looking at Jack just felt like a sick joke, like he was mocking us for all that we’ve lost. But now… by some miracle you're back, and I cannot do that again. I just can’t”</p><p>Dean has tears pooling in his eyes and his breathing is shallow. At some point Sam mumbles that he is going to take a walk, but Dean can only focus on the absolutely spellbound expression on Cas’s face. At some point they had moved in closer, but there was still some distance between them that Dean desperately wanted to fill.</p><p>“Cas…’’ and the raw emotion in his voice shocked him, “I used to not believe in anything I couldn’t see. Not angels, not god… you showed me there was more out there. Hell, before you I had never had anyone stick with me like you did. You showed me I deserved to have people care about me… Oh now I’m rambling…” Dean chuckles through his tears and takes a deep shuddering breath. “ What I’m trying to say is, you’re it for me buddy. I need you, sure, but I love you. In every way imaginable I love you”</p><p>Cas mercifully gave him the slightest of smiles. “ What are we getting at here Dean? Do you mean…” and the hope in his eyes made Dean’s heart do jumping jacks. “Like… Like the pizza man loves the babysitter?” </p><p>They were suddenly less than six inches apart. Dean can hear Cas breathing, and he feels himself falling, falling so deeply in love with this weird, dorky little angel of the lord, that he can’t imagine not living the apple pie life with him. </p><p>He can’t speak, can barely move, so he shakes his head enthusiastically. He whispers “always have, always will” </p><p>Suddenly Cas closes the gap between them and they are kissing, and Dean’s entire body is on fire. His mouth moves of his own accord and he questions how on earth he could have ever questioned his bisexuality. </p><p>They pull apart and just hug, and Dean wishes the moment would never end. He knows now that there is a future for him, and it's as much of this as he can possibly get. Tears are still streaming down his face, but this time it is happy tears. He and Castiel may be broken, may have caused more trauma than anyone should ever have to see, but if there’s one thing that had never bothered Cas before it had been Dean’s faults. They are going to put each other back together again. Suddenly Dean felt pure contentment, something he had never felt before. </p><p> </p><p>He finally got his damn win.</p>
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